As Edward left the safe haven of the crazy golf windmill,
he noticed that the bishop had given up searching for him, and had retired
to a game of crazy golf. He was stuck on the one with the ramp and the
potato, Edward knew he’d be there for quite a while. Edward remembered
that hole. He got stuck on it for three hours and decided to cheat, by
picking up the golf ball and putting it straight into the hole. Then he
got thrown out for ‘unfair play’.
Edward left the windmill, and hid behind it, much to the surprise of a
few worried looking children, who were golfing there. Edward ran from
the windmill, behind the giant skull. He still saw the Bishop was having
trouble with the ramp. It would have helped if the Bishop was using a
putter and not his crook, but that’s Bishops for you. Edward then
ran behind the giant slug, and out of the golf course.
As he left, he started sprinting for home. He really didn’t need
to, but he did so, just in case the Bishop had seen him and was in hot
pursuit. But as he reached the park gates, he looked behind him, to see
that no one was there. Well, there was an old guy with a dog, but he’s
not got anything to do with the story. Edward wondered if the old guy
was the Bishop in disguise, and he’d set the dog on him, before
smiting him. But the dog was only a Pekinese, and the man was in his thirties,
and Edward knew that the Bishop was at least sixty. And so, with a sigh
of relief, Edward set off for home.
As he made it through the front door, he collapsed in a small pile. He
knew that he was now safe. After sitting there for about a minute, he
scrambled to his feet, and set off up the great oak stairs to his bedroom.
He walked in and perched on the end of his bed. He had a very small bedroom.
It used to be quite large, but a lot of it was taken up with Edward’s
‘junk pile’. It was a perfectly square room. In fact, it was
a cube, and that’s what frightened Edward so much. Every side was
exactly the same length, even to the nearest millimetre. Edward felt very
enclosed within it, all it needed was padded walls and it would be a cell
in an insane asylum. His bed was near a corner of the room, with a long,
pine bedside table near it, containing all his ‘adult art’.
On the other side of the bed, nearest the wall, was his ‘pile of
junk’. Previously, Edward had tried to recover one of his ‘artefacts’
from it, and ended up with the entire pile sitting upon him. His parents
had to call the fire brigade, not only because he was trapped under a
pile of junk, and needed to be freed, but a half-full can of deodorant
(Given to him by his uncle in San Francisco. It was one of those ‘scent
of celebrity’ editions that so many people use. Edward was sent
the prototype edition of ‘Genghis Khan Aroma’, but ended up
smelling of animal skins and horse shit, and he stopped using it after
the authorities arrested him for ‘Creating a biological weapon’,
after he made the Prime Minister faint, when he went up to shake his hand)
Anyway, the deodorant had got too close to Edward’s ‘Abraham
Lincoln Cigarette Lighter’ (Even though he doesn’t smoke),
and as you can guess, it caused the ‘junk pile’ to go up in
flames. Unfortunately, this happened three times, and in the end, Edward
decided to not touch the pile. He kept it there as it was impossible to
move without serious injury, and it made a rather good trap for burglars.
He had a set of drawers in the other corner of the room, with all his
clothes scrunched up inside it. It made another good trap for burglars,
because whenever he opened it, all his clothes shot out. Upon the drawers
were a CD player and a lamp, and a CD rack. There were large windows on
both sides of the room, with indigo blinds covering them. His floor was
oak, and was covered with clothes strewn about it. He had Plain white
walls, with many posters covering it. A lot of the posters were of Spongebob
Squarepants and Sonic the hedgehog, but there were a few old ones of S
Club 7 too.
Edward fell back and lay down, gazing up at the dull ceiling. He was racking
his mind about what he was to do now. He knew that religion was the right
way to go, but he couldn’t really go to the Church, now that the
Bishop was intent on smiting him, and the priest was the type of person
to hold a grudge. Edward had thought about holding his own masses, but
he had tried those six years ago.
He used the coffee table for his altar, and had some cheese crackers and
fruit juice laid out on it. He decided to do the mass in front of his
cat and dog. His parents thought he was just playing and ‘using
his imagination’, and didn’t pay any attention to him, while
his older sister (Katie) was out making a load of money being a barrister,
and was making plans to move to Las Vegas. In the end, the cat got bored
and started to attack Edward, while the dog ate up all the crackers and
He had also tried to devote his life to helping the poor, but they just
mugged him. So in the end, he just gave up. He was sitting there, thinking
of what to do, when one of the most commonly asked questions popped into
“What would Jesus do?”
Of course, he never really thought that Jesus would get drunk during a
mass and dance the YMCA, but he still questioned it. And that’s
when he worked it out.
“What would Jesus do…what if I found out? Why don’t
I honour the life of Jesus…by re-enacting it?”
He was amazed that he hadn’t worked this out before. He was taught
that he should honour Jesus, and he had now thought up the concept of
honouring him by acting out his life. It happened with other things. People
re-enacted the nativity play, and they tell stories about Jesus and sometimes
act them out. So why not do something really amazing, and act out the
entire life? He smiled at his idea. It would give him the ‘spiritualness’
he wanted and would honour Jesus at the same time! It seemed so perfect
to him! He may even become well known for his ‘amazing religious
act’, being called a ‘very religious person’, ‘a
role model for us all’, and then he’d see the Bishop apologising
for wanting to smite him. Edward sat there, wide-eyed and entranced by
this ground-breaking idea.
After about half an hour of being mesmerised by thoughts of fame, money
and sainthood, Edward finally came back to reality. He decided to start
straight away. The sooner he acted out Jesus’ life, the better.
He pulled his rucksack out from under his bed and threw in a load of clothes.
He made sure he packed his Bible, so that he knew what to do next in Jesus’
life. He also packed a golf-club, just so he could defend himself in case
someone attacked him for being a loser. He then hurried downstairs and
packed a load of food. He mostly put crisps and chocolate in, things that
could last for a while. He also threw in many bottles of water and fizzy
drinks. He made sure he packed a little bit of wine, just in case he needed
to do little miracles and stuff. He packed a little bit of money and a
credit card, so he could use the money for food and maybe even renting
He thought about wearing a gown like Jesus did, but he didn’t want
to look like a ‘Jehovah’s Witness’, and anyway, whenever
he had worn a gown or toga, it had always fallen off. He remembered when
his parents had a ‘toga party’. Edward had tied the towel
around him, but as soon as he had walked out into the garden to party
with the others, it fell off. He had previously decided that ‘wearing
boxer shorts beneath the toga is for wimps’, and you can guess the
surprise, not to mention the laughs, which occurred when his toga fell
off. So in the end, Edward decided to wear a plain T-shirt and trousers
for his ‘journey of Jesus’ life’. Anyway, if Jesus was
born in this time, he’d probably wear a T-shirt and trousers too,
because he dressed in the clothing of the time when he was born, so he’d
probably wear the clothing of the time now, if he was born in the twenty
Edward set off for the door, when his mother poked her head out of the
“Edward, where are going with all that equipment? I never knew you
were into golf again.”
“It’s not golf, mum. I’m…er…well I’m
off to re-enact Jesus’ life”
“That’s nice. Dinner’s at seven”
“I won’t be home then…I’ll probably be out for
a few days or a month or two…”
She froze and dropped her plate in shock.
“You mean…you won’t be home for dinner?” She stammered
“Yes…I’m afraid so”
“You won’t be home!? But what will you do for food!?”
She sounded close to tears, for the fact that her child won’t be
there to eat her meals.
“I’ve packed some…”
“What’s going on?” Edward’s dad (Chris) poked
his head out of the kitchen, next to Fiona’s.
“Edward’s re-enacting Jesus’ life” She blurted
“Is he? That’s nice Edward. Going back to your school days
or something?” Chris commented
“No, I’m acting out his life, in real life.” Edward
muttered through gritted teeth.
“Oh” Chris said. “Well, what are you doing about money?”
“I’ve taken some”
“…but what about your FOOD!” Edward’s mother interrupted
Edward smiled. Typical parents. The mother always worries about whether
their child has enough to eat, while the father worries about whether
they have sufficient money.
“I’m fine for food and money” He said
“B-but…what about dinner!?” Fiona spluttered
“Mum, I’m twenty two. I can’t always be there to eat
dinner. I mean, what if I get run-over or mugged, I won’t be able
to make it to dinner then”
Saying that seemed to make things worse, as Fiona’s bottom lip seemed
to tremble slightly.
“Edward!” Chris snapped “Don’t talk like that.
Now, what about your money?”
“I already said that I’m taking some” Edward replied
“I’m taking my credit card too, just in case I need to take
some more money out”
“Really?” Chris stated. “Oh, well then it’s all
fine by me!” And he wandered off again.
“What!?” Fiona sobbed
Edward put his hand on his mother’s shoulder.
“Listen” Edward began. “I’ll be fine” And
he quickly left before she could try to deter him from his new goal in
life. Unfortunately whilst opening the door in a hurry, he ended up walking
into it. He glanced over to his mum and gave her the thumbs up. As he
was closing the door, he heard her babbling “But what about dinner?”
As Edward walked out of the door, he breathed in the fresh air, and set
off on his spiritual journey.
Edward lived a small distance from a large park, which was more like
a small country, and decided to take a stroll there before he set off
on his re-enactment. He also needed some time to think about where he
was going to start, not to mention what he was going to do with all the
money he’d make from his ‘spiritualness’.
He wandered north for about half an hour, until he reached the fields
of the park. The park was a beautiful area. Some farmers had even grown
crops in some corners of it. They weren’t allowed to farm animals,
because of the smell which wafted into the nearby cities. The land stretched
on for miles. Edward parked himself on a nearby bench, and gazed out into
the surroundings. The bright green grass stretched all over the land,
each blade glistening in the sun, swaying gently in the cool breeze which
swept over them. The gradient was quite gentle, with the land almost looking
completely flat. There weren’t any hills in the area, just a few
lumps dotted here and there. Rocky paths broke up the mass of green, worn
away with the thousands of feet trekking across it each day. The paths
were like long snakes, winding through the plants, except these ones didn’t
hiss awkwardly or bite you if you walked on it. A few plants were around
the place, but most of them had been ripped out of the ground by thugs
or lovers giving their partners a small gift, hoping they’d throw
them on the grass and make love to them there and there. And to be perfectly
honest, there were a few odd dents in some areas of the landscape. Edward
remembered one too well. He was six, he was running about looking for
squirrels, and caught two of his primary school teachers in a secluded
area of the field. He never looked at them the same way again, and he
had to visit a psychiatrist for a few weeks.
Edward quickly threw that vision out of his mind, and decided to concentrate
on the park again.
There was a large forest in one corner of the park. It was about three
acres large, with five extra trees. It was made of huge oak trees, which
towered above all below it, standing tall in the bright sunlight. Edward
used to love running around in it. He often ran there, hoping to find
a yellow bear with a red T-shirt, looking for honey with a small pig next
to it, wearing a stripy T-shirt. But obviously to no avail. The trees
threw great shadows across the ground below it, making a perfect home
to the forest dwellers, such as hedgehogs, which often hid in the grass,
waiting for some unfortunate bare-foot nature-lover to walk on it. The
tree trunks were incredibly thick, housing a myriad of bugs and larvae.
Branches were also a prominent feature in the forest, with many of them
shooting out of the trees, showing off many bright leaves, and asking
to be climbed.
However, Edward’s favourite feature of the park was the massive
lake, which sat at one side of the park, next to the town. If you stood
at one side of the lake, it was almost impossible to see the other side
without utilisation of binoculars or a telescope. The water stretched
for miles, and getting lost in the centre of the lake was like getting
lost in the ocean. There were also rumours going around that there was
actually a desert island in the centre of the lake, and a bearded man
called “Soddoff” lived there. He was called ‘Soddoff’,
because that’s all he seemed to say, whenever people sailed by (Apparently).
Many pondered about what this word meant, was it some sort of mysterious
language the man created? Legend also had it that he lives off the junk
that people throw in the river that led to the lake. So whenever Edward
walked by the river, he had a custom of throwing a pack of crisps in it,
to feed ‘Soddoff’. He didn’t know what flavour ‘Soddoff’
liked, and hoped he didn’t hate ‘Cheese & Onion’,
because that’s all Edward threw in. The water was incredibly calm,
with the wind creating small ripples over it. The lake reflected the sky,
making it a beautiful blue, with hints of turquoise hiding beneath it.
Some ducks made their homes by the lakeside, causing an eruption of ducklings
to swim about the place. The lake was home to a lot of fish too. Mostly
the boring ones you find in most lakes, but there were also reports of
some less-common ones, ones which normally lived in the ocean, such as
cod, haddock and jellyfish. Edward used to paddle there when he was young,
like so many children do. Until one time, when a mass of lesser-spotted-lake-cucumbers
turned nasty and attacked him. But many boats still sailed there, carrying
fishermen, tourists and even divers, who wanted to explore the ‘mysterious’
Edward decided to take a stroll down to the lake, and take a little break
there. The park was relatively empty, and the sun was throwing a carpet
of glistening gold out on to the surroundings. When Edward reached the
side, he took his shoes and socks of, and dipped his feet into the lake.
At the same time, a few of the nearby fish died and floated to the top,
but Edward decided to ignore it. He then slowly fell backwards, and lay
down on the cool grass, staring upwards. He put his hands behind his head,
and made himself comfortable.
He was just about dozing off, when he was interrupted by a loud noise.
He sat up rapidly, and looked behind him to see what was going on. He
saw a rabble of people running down towards the lake. There were a few
mothers, strolling at the back, nattering, not taking notice of the horde
of children sprinting to see who can make it to the lake first, followed
closely by the fathers, jogging behind them in a playful manner. Edward
suddenly became very scared, as he saw a couple of the kids trip up, and
was rolling towards him at high speed. He tried to scramble to his feet,
but was struck by one of the human cannonballs, and went flying into the
As Edward surfaced, spitting out a mouthful of water, a dove flew over
and landed on his head. Then, the heavens opened. There didn’t seem
to be too many clouds in the sky, but the ones that were there started
to chuck it down. So, Edward was sitting in a lake, with a dove on his
head, as it was raining on him. He stumbled to his feet, as one of the
dads held out a hand, and helped him out of the lake.
“Thanks son!” He beamed “You stopped my own child from
flying into the lake! I’m very pleased with you, son”
“What the hell!?” Edward thought. “How utterly random
was that comment!?”
As the children stayed there in the pouring rain, Edward indignantly hoisted
his rucksack onto his back, and set off along the path once again.
He seemed to have walked a long the path for ages. He decided not to
take the path following the lake, but instead decided on wandering through
the fields, which stretched for most of the length of the park. It was
quite clean for a massive field. He expected to see many people running
about and relaxing there, but there seemed to be no one around for miles.
It was sunny again. The rain had cleared up unexpectedly quickly, very
much like an April shower. Except it was June. The sun was beating down
on his hot forehead, causing beads of sweat to leak out from his hairline.
He continued to walk. One hour, two hours, three hours… it was seven
PM, but the sun was still as bright as ever. It felt like an interrogation
lamp, and was draining him of all the water he had inside him. He had
already used up three bottles of water, but as soon as he drunk one, the
water seemed to be sapped straight out from him.
He eventually collapsed, deciding to take a rest. He felt as though he
was melting under the heat. Everything was starting to fade, when a face
suddenly shot into his vision.
“Ooh-Ar, now wot’s a city lad like you doin’ in a field
Edward’s eyes shot open, and regained focus. He saw a man smiling
above him. He wore a straw hat, and had a single piece of barley poking
out the side of his mouth. He had a square face, and had a mop of black,
messy hair, protruding from under his hat. He also had a stubble, which
looked like it hadn’t been shaved for a few weeks. He also had a
rather large nose, and big, hazel coloured eyes.
“Huh…wha…” Edward muttered
“You look thirsty lad, here…” He said, putting a small
bottle of water to Edward’s lips. Edward was relieved to feel the
cool taste on his tongue.
“Thanks…who are you?”
“Me? Why, I’m farmer Paul Haybail!”
Edward sat up.
“I see, you farm around here then?”
“Sure do! I got a load o’ crops see, have t’earn a living
“Of course” Edward replied, rubbing his eyes
“Got a name, lad?”
“Huh? Oh! Yeah…it’s er…Edward”
“You took a while working your name out. You need sommin’
to eat lad.”
Paul scrambled around, and picked up something nearby.
“Here, eat up”
Edward took the round object from him and looked at it. He froze.
“This is a rock” He commented
“No t’isn’t!” Replied Paul, sounding offended.
“That there’s ‘farmer’s bread’, a local
delicacy around these parts! Ooh-Ar”
Edward stared at him.
“No, you’re wanting me to put this rock into my mouth and
attempt to eat it, making me think it’s bread”
“You got me lad!” Paul laughed, taking the rock off Edward
“It gets a bit boring ‘round here, can’t help but play
a few jokes every now n’ then. Seriously Ed, le’s get you
indoors so we can call your folks. Then they can come down to ’save’
yer, as it were.”
Edward froze at the thought of his parents collecting him, and taking
him back to his dull life at home.
“NO!” He shouted.
“Alrigh’ Alrigh’! No need t’shout. Oi was jus’
offerin’ you som’elp. You know, all yer need to do is ask
nicely, say please, and Oi’ll do whatever ye’need. Come on,
le’s get you indoors and give yer sommin’ real t’eat.
Paul helped him up and escorted him back to his little farmhouse. Edward
wondered if Paul just said ‘Ooh-Ar!’ for the sake of it, to
look like a farmer.
As Edward sat in the cool farmhouse, sipping a flagon of icy milk, Paul
was at the stove, making some eggs and bacon. It was a very old-fashioned
house. The roof was thatched, held up by great wooden beams. A long, rectangular,
wooden table sat in the centre of the room, holding a glass vase of flowers.
Edward was seated on a small wooden stool, which was just one of seven
placed around the table. He started to wonder if he would hear seven miners
shouting “Hi-Ho” as they came back here for lunch. The walls
were made of huge stone slabs, neatly held together with cement. They
were painted an oak hazel, giving the place a warm glow to it. The cast
iron stove stood at one corner of the room. It looked like the ovens most
people have. It had four hobs at the top and two oven doors below it.
It was jet black, and had lost the smooth shine that metals have, making
it look like stone. The windows were small square blocks in the wall,
but all of them were wide open, letting in a cool breeze. The door was
also open, letting in as much air as possible. It was a sturdy oak door,
with a few locks on it for security purposes. There were two other doors,
one leading to the bedroom, and the other leading to the bathroom. The
floors were tiled with rouge slabs, filled in by cream-coloured cement.
Many pots, pans, pictures and designs hung on the walls. Edward was relieved
to see that there weren’t any shields with the faces of previous
visitors upon the walls of the house. The house looked incredibly old
fashioned, except the microwave oven, standing on a small shelf. Also,
the bathroom looked out of place. It was pure white, and everything looked
expensive. The taps were gold, and the sink was spotless. The mirrors
glistened in the sunlight, and a tiles fish design was plastered around
the wall. The toilet even spoke when you flushed it. Saying “Thank
you, have a nice day”. Edward was rather confused about why Paul
had such a posh bathroom, but an old fashioned house. He decided not to
“Thar you are, some noice eggs an’ bacon to fill yer up.”
Paul placed a wooden plate in front of Edward, filled with some well cooked
food. Edward’s mouth began to water.
“Thanks” He commented, as he immediately started to ravenously
dig into the food
Paul sat opposite him, with his plate of food. “So tell me Ed…wha’sa
lad loike you doin’ up ‘ere. Trekkin’ like them others?”
Edward took a big swig of milk, and looked at Paul. “Well”
he said, with a mouthful of bacon. “You see, it sounds odd, but
I’m going to re-enact Jesus’ life. I just walked up here for
a relaxing walk before I start”
“Well tha’ sounds loike fun!” Paul smiled “You
doin’ his whole life den?”
“Yup. From the time he starts preaching to his death”
“Yer mean yer killin’ yerself after all this?”
“Oh heavens, no! I’ll just be doing something that could represent
it, or is similar. Except I stay alive.”
Paul sat back, he seemed more interested in Edward’s story than
“So tell me den. You’re gonna be loike Jesus?”
“Kind of. I’m just re-enacting his life. I can’t do
the miracles like him, I’m just acting his life out as a form of
respect to him”
“Sounds loike a plan. But tell me den. If you bein’ like that
Jesus feller, there’s one problem with that”
“What’s that? There’s not already someone doing that,
“No, no, don’t worry yerself abou’ that. I don’t
know much abou’ him, and correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought
that Jesus feller went aroun’ with twelve blokes or summin’.”
“Oi think they’re the ones.”
Edward couldn’t believe that he forgot that he needed to get some
disciples. It was all well re-enacting Jesus’ life, but he needed
the twelve apostles to be with him. The story revolved around them almost
as much as it did around Jesus. That threw a spanner in the works. It
was all well Edward was prepared to re-enact his life, but he needed to
find twelve other people whom were prepared to do it too, and for free.
“Rats, I forgot about that.”
Edward looked up at Paul. “Paul…You could do it. Could you
be one of the disciples?”
Paul stroked his stubble thoughtfully.
“Ooh-Ar! I’m afraid I can’t do that. I got me crops
ter look after, and oi don’t really loike visitin’ the city.
My apologies Ed, but oi’ll be no good at a disciple.”
“That’s okay.” Edward looked down at the remains of
the eggs, to think about what he could do.
“Well” Paul said. “I can’t remember too much abou’
the Bible, but if oi’m not mistaken, four of Jesus’ discoiples
“Yes, that’s right. Why’s that?”
“Well, if yer lookin’ for discoiples, why not go down to the
lake? There are loads o’ fishermen thar. Perhaps you moight be able
to find four willin’ to help yer.”
“That’s a great idea!” Edward beamed “Thanks Paul!”
“Ar don’ mention it. Anyway, it’s gettin’ late,
the fishermen will be all gone. Why not stay the night and look for them
in the mornin’.”
“That would be great, thanks”
“I’ll go set up the spare room then” Said Paul, as he
rose from his seat.
Edward sat there, eating the rest of his eggs and gulping the rest of
his milk, thinking about the type of fishermen he’d find tomorrow.
Out of the many there, there must be at least four willing to help him.
Edward was shown into the spare room. It was small, but cosy. A small
window was placed at one side of the room, next to the bed. It had a small
lace curtain covering it. The bed was quite large, compared to the room,
and the quilt looked incredibly soft. The floor was carpeted, and the
walls were painted a pale blue. A small table stood next to the bed, with
a small bedside lamp on top of it. Edward sat on the bed, and nearly sank
into it. It was very soft and comfortable. It was nine PM, and the sun
was slowly sinking below the horizon. The sky had now gone a warm orange
colour, and a few warm rays of light were shining through the window.
Despite being quite early, Edward fell asleep almost as soon as his head
hit the fluffy pillow.